The sun shall rise.

After what proved to be a very stormy night I was met with a restless, non existent sleep. Upon realizing that it was nearly dawn and I was still wide awake from the night before- I decided that a morning greeted by the rise of the sun might result in a drastic improvement on my mood.

I gathered up my comforter and trudged over the dunes and out to the beach. I took a seat on a familiar log, turned my face to the east and waited calmly. It had been a long night of waiting- for a revelation, for peace, for solitude, or for rest. None had been delivered and here I was awaiting some profundity that may not occur.

As I looked over my shoulder I could still see the moon high in the sky reminding me of what it had witnessed, and choosing to ignore it turned my face expectantly back to the impending arrival of the sun.

The sky began to lighten and I could see that a dark cloud, almost as if it had been left over from the night- still saturated with night's darkness; unwilling to let go.. Was maneuvering itself gracefully across the sky in the exact place the light of day was coming from. I began to feel nervous- twitchy even at the thought of some remnants of the night before bearing weight on the potential of such a beautiful day.

I waited as the sky around me turned from a dark fog to a gray-blue. I waited and waited for the smiling face of the sun to oppose the sneer of the moon. But nothing. Beyond the wall of oppressive storm clouds I could see the fragments of flirtatious pinks and golds of a perfect sunrise. I could not help but think of those little specks of humanity able to see such a wonder of nature this morning. I couldn't help but wonder where I needed to be to see the clear new day I longed for.

As the impending gloom threatened rain I began to give up. I was prepared to gather the comforter around me and insert myself back into the gloom of our darkened and barren house. But alas, nature- in it's most reliable of ways; gave me a glimpse of the sun. For only a moment the blood orange halo of the sun broke through and gave way to a small glimpse of the seemingly impossible.. Reminding me that all things are possible when you are relying on something true. In that moment I was breathless, caught unawares of the hope I would see flashed at me for only a moment. I breathed deeply, eager to fill my lungs with something light and so full of possibility- and for a moment; a millisecond, I felt cathartic. I felt free to make my own sunrises and sunsets. I remembered what is was to choose and to choose wisely.

With a small smile I hobbled up to the house and waited for a bed to be free in hopes that I could sleep soon. There is little rest for the weary, but there is no knowing moon watching me any longer. For the first time in a while I feel that when I see that moon again he will be smiling, and he will be smiling for me.

Stories in my Head

Today while checking out at Target I witnessed a pretty trying situation.

A Muslim woman, her husband, and their 4 kids. 3 toddler boys and one infant girl in a stroller. Dad is in line behind us with the boys waiting to check out as well. Mom walks to the other side of me with the girl in the stroller. Who's with her? Oh yah, Richmond police and a handful of Target Security Guards. So I am smack in the middle of this.

Dad and Three Boys ---- ME ---- Mom, Daughter, and Ruin Your Life Brigade

So! The Police Officer is asking the Dad to please take the daughter. The Mom is saying something to the Dad and the Dad is telling the cops that the daughter can't be without her for whatever reason.

Cop says: Sir, she's going to have to learn to be without her real quick.

The Dad says something to the Mom and she puts her head down and follows the Ruin Your Life Brigade somewhere through a doorway. The children instantly start screaming for their mother and I vamoose on out of there.

Apparently she was shoplifting. Or so my cashier told me as I departed. Smooth.

Now, I don't call the Police/ Security the Ruin Your Life Brigade because I think they are bad or anything. I get they are doing their job, and that woman is ruining her own life. But why? Why is she shoplifting?

So I decided to concoct some answers in my own head.

Scenario A. The obvious/ morally hopeful one. The family is so poor that she felt like she needed to. This paints the cops as bad guys and that's usually more fun than them being the hero anyway. But it also means a lose-lose situation.

Scenario B. The boring one/ She's become addicted to stealing. Maybe her husband doesn't spoil her the way she feels is necessary. She satiates this hunger by stealing. She is a bitch.

Scenario C. My favorite/ the demented scenario. Her life is miserable and her husband is a dick. Stealing something with a high dollar amount will give her a night off in jail/ disgrace the family so much that they abandon her and she can have her life back.

What do you think happened?

Being Alone Is Okay

Being Alone

Some of my former students...

DJ Cummings

Chris Baugh

New Chapter?

Sometimes when something is over it never really feels that way. I just had my last day at my first really- real job and it feels like it's still a-buzzing in my life. Part of it is that so many of my friends and acquaintances are affiliated with that job, and part of it is probably because my last day was rather anti-climactic.

I am curious to see if in a week or so it dawns on me. I woke up in a funk this morning and thought at first that it was because my brain was telling my body it was the last time it would ever drag itself up and out of bed to go roam the halls of a school for autism. But then I realized I was just groggy and had slept a little awkwardly as well. I went to work and and did my job, just like I do everyday. We had a celebration as we often do although- embarrassingly enough- it was for me this time. Even then, it's a friday. We all had reports and cleaning to do and everyone wants to go home.

Not to say everyone didn't do a phenomenal job sending me off. I will miss them sincerely. In no other job could I firmly believe that my co-workers were in fact my friends and that they cared about me. Not to mention any little shitty thing that happens at this job generally isn't bullshit- unlike other jobs I've worked in. Not that it is devoid of bullshit, or bullshit free if you will.. Just adequately logical.

I am getting ready to turn to a new chapter in my life and it is a little daunting. Never before have I embarked on a journey where I was not completely sure I would succeed at my endeavors. This may be because it is the most responsibility and freedom I've ever been given in a job, or it might be because it's something I want legitimately to be good at. I want to be a great teacher and I know from experience that "great teacher" is more easily said than done. I have the knowledge they want and need, I only hope I can deliver it in a manner that is worth everyone's time and energy.

I have big dreams and very tangible fears for this job. I'm wishing myself luck and the sanity to keep on trucking... even though I really loathe that saying.

peace in the middle east, hasta pasta fazoli, and whatever parting sayings I thought were cool when I was 12.

Today we are thanking MTV for doing something right.

I used to read Sam Kieth's The Maxx and then MTV (before it took all of my dreams away and became the joke it is today) had MTV Oddities and funded the creation of The Maxx animated series.

Oddities ended as the era of Real World and other reality based party shows took over. This was sad. Despite being relatively easy to watch on the internet I found that the copies of The Maxx one could find were by and large poor in quality.

Today through much finagling, I discovered that MTV has the episodes available on their website. This is like wet-dream happiness to me.

Watch Me and Learn How Weird Tori Is.

Leap of Faith/ Work in Progress

I am currently working on some paintings for a show this fall/ winter. I decided to paint in gouache; which I've never used, and to paint self portraits. I haven't done any self portraits in a long time. Here is an example of a first attempt:


It's in process still, but I really like the color concept. I need to blend everything a little more so it flows a bit more from blue to green. I have four to five of these that I am working on that will be available alone or as a whole piece. It's difficult to explain. You'll see.