in·vis·i·ble
–adjective
1. not visible; not perceptible by the eye: invisible fluid.
2. withdrawn from or out of sight; hidden: an invisible seam.
3. not perceptible or discernible by the mind: invisible differences.
4. not ordinarily found in financial statements or reflected in statistics or a listing: Goodwill is an invisible asset to a business.
5. concealed from public knowledge.
–noun
6. an invisible thing or being.
7. the invisible, the unseen or spiritual world.
I have been feeling somewhat invisible or transparent lately. This came from a lot of different sources. I was reflecting on the fact that in an younger and less mature stage of my life I might be lashing out right now and drawing as much attention to myself as possible. I am lucky enough to be aware of the fact that despite wanting attention I cannot settle on any attention given.
This is to say that I understand that I am looking for attention of a specific kind from specific sources. It is a catch 22 because I am receiving unwanted attention in other areas of my life.
Part of me also wonders if I want to be transparent in some ways. Do I want to go unnoticed? Under the radar? Perhaps. Duck my head down and be safe. Something like that. Maybe. Maybe I just want to be another person in the beating heart of humanity. We pulse along mostly unnoticed and non-existent in the greater scheme of things.
But what's the point? What on earth am I talking about? I guess I am just jotting these fleeting thoughts down. In case I need them later- in case I find clarity. I'll be able to pinpoint the origination of these thoughts and ideas. I suppose we all feel alone sometimes, but it is especially strange when one feels alone among familiar things and people.
Being the least significant person in a person's life for whom you should mean a lot too is a very strange place to be. That is where I am and on some level it is a relief to be so trivial. Without importance your thoughts and actions are free to be whatever you wish. So am I liberated or am I weighted down by the lack of gravity in my existence?
Now that I have regurgitated all of these thoughts and feelings on the subject- no matter how convoluted.. I think I'll go draw it out and get somewhere with all of this.
This is to say that I understand that I am looking for attention of a specific kind from specific sources. It is a catch 22 because I am receiving unwanted attention in other areas of my life.
Part of me also wonders if I want to be transparent in some ways. Do I want to go unnoticed? Under the radar? Perhaps. Duck my head down and be safe. Something like that. Maybe. Maybe I just want to be another person in the beating heart of humanity. We pulse along mostly unnoticed and non-existent in the greater scheme of things.
But what's the point? What on earth am I talking about? I guess I am just jotting these fleeting thoughts down. In case I need them later- in case I find clarity. I'll be able to pinpoint the origination of these thoughts and ideas. I suppose we all feel alone sometimes, but it is especially strange when one feels alone among familiar things and people.
Being the least significant person in a person's life for whom you should mean a lot too is a very strange place to be. That is where I am and on some level it is a relief to be so trivial. Without importance your thoughts and actions are free to be whatever you wish. So am I liberated or am I weighted down by the lack of gravity in my existence?
Now that I have regurgitated all of these thoughts and feelings on the subject- no matter how convoluted.. I think I'll go draw it out and get somewhere with all of this.
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